I have a friend with a blog. A good, dear awesome friend. Her posts have been really making me think lately. Reflect on my life. What I want, who I want to be, where I want to go with this life. I know who I am- somewhat. But I need to cultivate my person more. I need to define who I am beyond a mother & a wife. I’ve fallen back into my “comfort zone.” I need to be more in charge of my life and the path I’m traveling, instead of just letting life carry me along. I’ve started that by finding a part time job. And while that’s been (and still is) quite an adjustment & struggle at times- I enjoy it greatly. But that’s just a tiny first step- I need more. I want to be more independent. Not in the “I don’t need you” kind of way. But in the “I’m confident in my abilities” way. I know I can be a better partner to my husband if I was more self-assured of myself. And I’ll be a much better mother as well. I am very happy, content and proud to be a mom & wife.. But while those are extremely important and vital parts of me- I can not center my life completely around those two aspects of my life. I want to have an accomplishment that I can be proud of that- I want to be able to say that I have DONE something with my life. I want to have more declarations that start with “I’ve DONE”, “I’ve TRIED" and “I AM” than “I want”, “I wish” and “Someday….” statements.
So I decided a few weeks ago to do something I always said I should & wished I would, but never did. I’m going back to school. I officially enrolled in the community college 2011 fall semester. Now- I haven’t a real clue as to what I’m going to do- but that’s ok. That’s part of the whole “finding myself” thing I’ve got to work on. I’m thinking of some sort of business or education degree. Or maybe both- who knows. The important thing is- I’m finally going to DO it instead of just talking about it. :o)
Another part of this whole finding me thing is I need to rediscover what makes me me. I want to get back in touch with things I enjoy- such as creating. I love to create in any medium. Be it with a pen & paper, glue & paint, colored pencils & a sketch pad or cake & frosting. I’m an artsy-craftsy person. It’s an integral part of me. And I haven’t been fulfilling that within myself. So- I’m going to aim to try and do at least one crafty thing a week. Even if there’s dishes piled in the sink, the hamper’s overflowing and instead of cleaning my craft area I have to shove the 2 ft high pile of crap that’s there into a plastic tub just to find my craft desk. I will find the simple joy of creation again. Oh- and reading. I need to do that again. I honestly can’t remember the last book I read or when. Yeah- that’s gotta start happening again too.
No- as for the blogging thoughts. My friend I spoke of above? Yeah- she is what inspired this whole posting. And I love her. And I admire her blogging style- she just writes what she thinks & feels and posts whatever & whenever she wants. Her blog is kind of random & I love it. When I read one of her posts it’s like I’m actually talking to her- it’s a true reflection of herself. I love it. And I need to learn from it and her.
I think one of the reasons I haven’t blogged is because I feel pressure to make sure every post is perfect and interesting and just right. I type & retype & spend a couple hours on just one post. And since I’ve added a job to my crazy life- I simply haven’t had that much time to spend on blogging. So instead of settling for an imperfect impromptu post, I simply haven’t blogged. That’s one of my “flaws” I need to work on- perfection. Everything I create- be it blogging, writing, crafting, drawing, cake decorating or whatnot- does NOT have to be revised & redone over & over again. I need to embrace the fact that every thing I do doesn’t have to be done to the best of my ability. Now- that seems like a strange statement considering that I always tell my kids to “Do you best.” But for me I always want to do things better- everything can always be improved and I strive so hard for that “betterness” that I don’t have time to do more than one thing. That’s not strengthening my abilities- that’s limiting myself. Because I often will not start something because I know I won’t have time to finish it. I need to learn to accept less to get better. And maybe I can start to learn that lesson with this blog. Perhaps. It’s worth a shot anyways. :o)
BTW- If I totally lost you in this post- that’s ok. :o)